I am Done Playing Pretend

Given that for much of my life I lived trying to look and be perfect, I do not want to come across that way any longer. Being at this midlife stage of life, I am so over that type of pressure and I have reached a point where I no longer want to pretend, for I am not a child anymore. 

As a woman who is in the space of mentoring other women, I truly feel we need more authenticity surrounding our reality so that we can be friends, not the enemies that patriarchy attempts to create between us. 

So here is some realness for you today…

My reality for much of my life was that I believed myself to be this really, really bad person and I was covered with such a thick, paralyzing coat of shame that affected me in all areas of my life, especially my marriage. I did not believe that there was anyone else out there as “bad” as I believed myself to be and I was an easy target for abuse, myself being one of the key abusers for a very long time. 

For a good part of my marriage I had inwardly suffered -  from neglect, manipulation, extreme control, and a deep soul-ache to be true partners with the man I was married to. Given my low sense of self-worth, the relationship that had formed between us was more like a parent/child relationship, one where I was being told how to do things, what I could and could not do, even being required to ask permission to use certain things that belonged to both of us. How crazy and insane is that? ! I was afraid within my marriage, afraid because I so often was not doing things “right” and I was constantly being corrected by my husband. Many times he would tell me that he was, figuratively speaking, able to see a "nail in my forehead" that was reason for much of my pain and that if I would only listen to him, he could help get the nail out. Given that our marriage was founded upon Mormon principles, it was difficult to see a future with my husband after my choosing to walk a different path. I was changing, entering the very early stages of healing, and this was creating fear inside of my husband which then rippled into an attempted tighter grip over me. 

Five years ago, nearly to the day, I told my then husband of 26 years that I was divorcing him. I had been waffling back and forth in my decision after moving out of our home a few months prior, scared to death of what divorce would mean for me; however, deep in my heart I knew that the only way for me to find myself, and ultimate freedom, was to divorce. 

Still, to say that I was terrified is an understatement!

If I am being completely honest, which I am, the only reason I felt any sense of leaning towards the idea of remaining in my marriage came out of that feeling of fear concerning the unknown financial situation for me in my future. As I was wrestling inwardly over whether to divorce, I truly was coming to terms with my reality as I had been a stay at home mom for all those years of our marriage and my husband had fought tooth and nail to keep me from furthering my education, something he feared would give me the freedom to leave.Thankfully, even with my fear - and my lack of education - I analyzed my skill set and recognized that given my hardworking ethic and determination, I would find a way to take care of myself.

With that recognition and belief, I took one of the biggest leaps of courage I have ever taken, speaking the truth of what was in my heart. Our marriage was over. 

And so began my walk towards reclaiming my power and healing me.

As I look back on the five years that have passed since I made that decision, I see both the hardship and the profound growth. I faced some incredibly high hurdles — including a period where I found myself in another abusive relationship that caused deep spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental harm. And yet, despite it all, I can say with honesty that where I stand today is a place I am grateful to be.

I am deeply thankful for what I have learned about myself, for the healing and clarity I’ve gained around my life and experiences, and for the tremendous growth that came from stepping fully into my own power. I am proud of the journey of building a successful business and of proving to myself what I always knew in my heart — that I could provide for myself. And perhaps most meaningfully, I am growing into the understanding that what I have lived through may now serve a greater purpose: helping other women find their way home to themselves.

When I was younger, there is no way that I could ever have imagined that I would do enough healing to bring me to the point where I feel comfortable in publicly sharing so much of what I always believed made me “bad”- sharing this to help connect and set the stage with my beautiful journey in how I overcame. What has mattered most came by learning how to leave victimhood behind, crossing the bridge of survivorhood, and claiming thriverhood as my home. That is where our power lives — and where it begins to really shine.

If you are a woman who can relate to any part of my story, more than anything I hope you are filled with the strongest sense that you are not alone. Working to help you understand this concept that you are not alone is one of my biggest motivations because the reality is: abuse harms and isolates while healing restores and connects. My greatest hope is to help awaken within you the power that God gave to you, a power that the world continually tries to dumb-down in an attempt to make the women of the world shrink. 

We don’t have to live like this any longer.

The reality is, we each have a divine, feminine energy inside that is incredibly powerful! The power is awakened, and strengthened, as we learn how to fully love and approve of ourselves. This is something we, as women, often are not taught to do well; but take heart, we each can learn. 

Learning to love me has been the single most important lesson in my healing journey. Learning to love me has helped me change my coat of shame for an armor of strength. 

I have literally changed the trajectory of my life…creating within me the happiest, most peaceful state I once believed was out of my reach. I finally love and approve of myself, exactly as I am designed to be!

The very good news is that all can experience the same. I am not an anomaly in what I have experienced. You can have this too.

I feel so grateful to be here with you — walking beside you, sister to sister. In the coming weeks, I’ll be launching a live six-week empowerment course, and I’d love for you to join me (space is limited). If you find yourself at a place where you’re ready to begin the beautiful journey of learning how to truly love the one who deserves it most — you — this course is designed to support that transformation and help you step fully into that space.

Please join me. 

With so much care and love,

The Modern Day Pioneer™