The Adventure of Coming hoME to Myself

The effects of abuse and abandonment in childhood have been a common thread I have spent much of my life trying to untangle. When I was a believer of Mormonism, my belief in healing hinged on someone outside of me to do what I could not do for myself. I remember the pleading prayers, the anointed oil placed upon my head, and my own deep, sincere pleading toward heaven for the miracle of healing to occur in my life. I lived a good part feeling tormented inside, feeling that I would forever be doomed to my depression and low sense of self-worth.

Circa 1993.

I have been working with my counselor for the last four years, peeling the layers of the onion back to discover what lies beneath the surface of what I know. Those first initial months and years were intense for me. I did not realize now that I look back just how much of my life I did not understand. Due to my upbringing I had developed a make believe world that I was trying to live in as a method in trying to ignore the fact that I was living in hell.

Hell. Such an interesting concept to consider now, for so much of my life I was terrified of going to that place. What I didn't understand or consider was that I was already living in one. And perhaps the most unexpected part of my healing has been discovering that the heaven I spent my life trying to earn may not be somewhere I go after I die.

Perhaps heaven is a way of learning to live here.

Much of the hungering in my soul when young was for that inner peace that seemed beyond my reach. How I strove to obtain it but at that time in my life I did not have the adequate understanding or healing to feel any sense of peace. I knew only the bitterness that comes from the inner friction, division, and hate I felt inside of me. 

Me in 1999.

The adventure in finding my way hoME is that I am beginning to understand what peace tastes like. The more I taste it, the more I want it. It is a food that truly satisfies my soul.

I had an emergency session with my counselor today, one that she seemed to know would be needed in a previous session. At this moment I sent her a text asking if she had any time available and her response was, “Now. My scheduled appointment has just been cancelled.” Talk about timing. I fumbled through the initial sentences in trying to speak about the reason for my need in a session. In just a few attempts I then spit it out. 

“I kissed [my ex boyfriend] last night.” 

It wasn’t the kiss that brought me to the session, it was my realization that I was repeating a cycle that I desperately wanted to break. I discovered a pattern I could no longer explain away. I continued to break the boundaries I had set for myself. After nearly two years of an on-again, off-again relationship, I believed this last breakup was different. We were ending on terms that made me believe I could handle being just friends. 

As my counselor and I worked our way through the cycle that was starting again we discussed my options. I could continue to try to live within my boundaries or I could begin to recognize that I had become addicted to being needed, chosen, desired, and loved by someone else. My brain wanted to hang onto the idea that “this time” it would be different, that I had the strength to hold on to what I wanted. 

I. Want. To. Keep. My. Boundaries.

Yet– within my heart I knew the cycle. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I began to lose myself again and the repeated cycle of breaking up would happen all over again. No amount of “wanting” could change the deep habit, I was not strong enough to stay out of the rut I had created. With each new cycle the rut was only getting deeper, harder, and more painful to get out of.

When I had a serious problem with smoking pot I did not want to own the fact that I had formed an addiction. To say those words, “I have an addictive personality” was not ever something I wanted to own. Other people were addicts. Not me. However, the more that I cycled in my relationship with pot the more I saw reality. 

I became aware enough to know I had a problem.

As I sat with what I had realized, I recognized that this was not simply another problem to solve. It was another opportunity to practice the way I have learned to heal: 

Awareness. Acceptance. Action. Adventure.

Awareness

We cannot change what we are unwilling to see. What are you seeing in your own life that you may have been trying not to see?

Sitting in my emergency session I came to catch a glimpse of my reality with love. My counselor asked me, “What is the longest amount of time you have gone without being in or chasing after some form of a romantic relationship?” The question caught me off guard and I had to pause as I thought about my romantic side of life. Since the time I have been sexually active I have not gone more than two months without there being some type of chasing or being in a romantic relationship. 

Thirty-seven years of romantic relationships, and only two months of my adult life had been spent completely outside of the pursuit of one.

The reality surprised me. 

Similar to the struggle I had in admitting my problem with pot, I found the struggle to be the same with love. I wasn't addicted to a particular person. I was attached to what being in a relationship gave me: being wanted, chosen, needed, desired and loved.  I was so good at fighting my reality by trying to convince myself that, “It wasn’t that bad!” but my lived experience was showing me otherwise. In tears I spoke what I knew in that moment. I needed help.

Perhaps awareness begins with a willingness to see what is actually happening in our lives—not what we wish were happening, not what we have convinced ourselves is happening, but what is.

Acceptance

Acceptance isn't approval. It's an acknowledgment. What reality in your life are you fighting that might become easier if you simply allowed yourself to acknowledge it?

Over the last few years my counselor has dangled the carrot of no dating for twelve months in front of me. 365 days felt like such a big ask but here in this moment where I could see I had a problem, she dangled that carrot again and I was ready to take a bite. Seeing my actual reality brought a real sense of my needing to take this seriously. The trajectory of the last decade brought me to this point. I had grown into the space of being ready. Enough time had been spent in ignoring what was staring at me straight in the eye. 

I knew enough to know I wanted more for myself than another repetition of the same cycle.

Acceptance doesn't mean we like what we see. It doesn't mean we agree with it. It simply means we stop spending our energy arguing with reality long enough to acknowledge what is true.

Action

The decision to take action isn't punishment. It’s learning that leads to freedom. What is one small action you could take today that honors something you now know to be true?

Knowing something and doing something about it are two very different things. I can know that a relationship isn't healthy for me and still answer the text. I can know that a boundary matters and still cross it. I can understand a pattern and still repeat it. At some point, awareness and acceptance have to become action.

For me, that action is stepping into a year without dating. This isn't a year of punishing myself or proving that I don't need love. It is a year of becoming curious about what happens when I stop looking outside myself for something I am still learning to cultivate within.

I am heading into a space that feels foreign. I expect there will be moments that feel uncomfortable. There may be days when being alone feels heavy. There may be feelings I have spent a lifetime avoiding that finally ask to be felt. I feel ready for it now because I know what comes next. 

Learning. Practicing. Intentionally choosing.

Adventure

Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do isn't to know where we're going. It's to trust ourselves enough to take the next step. What might become possible in your life if you trusted yourself enough to take the next step—even without knowing exactly where it will lead?

I am not sure where this journey will take me. I anticipate that, like climbing a mountain, there will be moments that require me to dig deep to keep moving up the steep terrain before me.  But I also await the vistas that may take my breath away. I stand here with a little bit of fear–fear over being alone and fear of feeling more of my feelings. But I also stand here with something else.

Curiosity.

Hope.

And a growing trust in myself.

With each step forward, as I have gained more understanding of myself and experienced more healing, I have discovered more peace and more love—for me.

So I am willing to step into the unknown. Not because I know exactly what is waiting for me on the other side but because I have learned that the unknown does not have to be something to fear.

It can be an invitation.

An adventure.

A place where something new becomes possible.

Learning to come hoME to ME.

I've learned that sometimes the darkness isn't a place we are meant to stay. It's simply the space we have to walk through to find another kind of light.

Inner Peace. 

Heaven here on earth.

Another step towards hoME.

-The Modern Day Pioneer