The Power of Looking Back

Do you ever open your camera roll and look back to see where you were one, two, or three years ago? I like to do this regularly as it helps keep my life and growth in good perspective. I wrote about my life when I looked back in September of 2024 and want to share what I wrote in hopes that it may serve as inspiration towards walking through the journey of self-discovery and healing. Here is what I wrote:

September 5, 2024

I am in awe at where I was then versus where I am today!

Taken after a night of being verbally abused by my boyfriend in Sept 2023.

In a nutshell, I experienced a reopening of serious childhood trauma leading up to my 30 year high school reunion which took place about a year ago and it was the night of this reunion that I internally decided to end my two year relationship with the boy I was dating at the time (who also went to the same high school and graduated the same year as me). The leaving of that relationship was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I was so enmeshed, codependent, beaten down in so many ways and abused on so many levels, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. In a way that women sometimes must do, I fled that relationship on a day that would guarantee I could get out because no one would be home. His daughter's birthday. You can imagine the messages I received when it became known that I had left. Selfish. Mean. Psychotic. One who possessed multiple personalities...with a few other expletives thrown in there to really let me know how awful of a person I was...to them.

What has been a miracle to me is to see the growth, healing, and progress in my journey in a way that I never realized was possible a year ago. I have been doing the most intense personal work of my life and have been doing this consistently for nearly four years now, with the last year being one where significant growth and healing has been experienced, both on a personal and professional level.

My brother and I at my daughter's wedding July 2024.

I have had the blessing and privilege to have spent nearly the last year living with one of my brother's and his family. It was initially such a humbling thing for me to do, to move into the basement of my younger brother's home, to acknowledge that I was not in the space to be able to really take care of all my needs. I was so broken and my brother’s family honestly came in and rescued me. They have been a critical piece in helping to nurse me back to better health in all areas of my life. What initially was very difficult for me has turned into one of the greatest blessings of my life in that it has given me the chance to really get to know my brother again and to also get to know his family, who I did not know at all. I know that we will always be close. They have become some of the very best friends that I have ever had and I owe them my life, because before moving in with them I was beginning to face the idea of taking my life...which is something I have struggled with when in abusive relationships. As awful as that is to admit, it was my reality.

This last weekend I had a little tap on the shoulder to get online and look at properties that were for sale. I have wanted to get a place of my own but thought that I would need to wait until next year to have a better tax return as it has taken me some time to get my business really going. To my surprise, I found a property on my favorite street in the city, within a price range that I could afford, and the notice indicated that the seller was willing to carry the loan if the terms could be met that they requested. Long story short, I put an offer out on Tuesday and was approved by the seller today to purchase their townhome. It feels like Christmas to me right now!! I am beyond excited, a bit in shock, and truly know that I have witnessed a miracle in my life.

If you would have told me a year ago that I would be where I am today I would have laughed at you and possibly thought that you were the one psychotic or crazy! All I can say is that I know that God knows who I am and that I have been surrounded by so much love, both by the people who have entered my life and by the success that I am experiencing. I am humbled and so very, very grateful! 

As I continue on my journey of healing I plan to share more and more of some of the things that I have faced and healed. I plan to do this as for much of my life I felt so alone in my suffering and what I would have given to have someone out there like me, who had been abused at such a young age and then continued to end up in relationship patterns as an adult that were similar to what I had been taught as a child...abuse, soothe, abuse, soothe. I plan to do this to offer hope and help to anyone who is like me because more than anything I do not want those who suffer to suffer any longer. There is a way to heal.

I was silent for much of my life over the dark secrets of abuse that I experienced as a child but I will not be silent any longer. I am a survivor of childhood sexual, verbal, mental, and physical abuse and am learning to walk the path that is focused on thriving. I will turn what was so evil and use it for good. 

God is with me. 

God is helping me. 

God is guiding me. 

I believe and I trust.

I know that this is a very sensitive subject but it is something that needs to be talked about more. So often we do not know the stories of the people in our lives. Most did not know my story but I can almost guarantee that at some point many will know my story.

God bless, heal, and be with all survivors of childhood abuse. Let us all be gentle and kind for we never know what others have had to face. 

Love, peace, and healing to you all.

The Modern Day Pioneer™