1 Year of being sober

I want to share just a few of my thoughts surrounding addiction as today marks my ONE year anniversary of sobriety with my addiction to pot. 

Being in recovery has taught me a lot about addiction as I did not realize how much of a hold substances have held over me. I have been transparent about the reality of my abuse as a child, teenager, and adult. What I did not understand for much of my life was that abuse often creates vulnerability in individuals who turn to substances in attempts to numb their pain. 

Throughout most of my life I have turned to something to avoid feeling my feelings and most of what I turned to created deep shame and embarrassment. Binge eating. Sugar. Alcohol. Sex. Drugs. I did not associate myself as being an addict. Addicts were other people I knew, not me.

I have been in counseling for 4 years now and have unraveled a lot of what was knotted up inside of me. Opening up the box that was holding me bound created an almost unbearable amount of pain, pain I had been pushing down and avoiding for nearly all of my life. Where once my use with pot was for recreation, it soon became my go to to avoid feeling all that was bubbling up. It became a really good way for me to numb and escape reality.

When I left the last abusive relationship that I will ever be in at the end of 2023, I moved in with my brother and sister in law. During my sessions with my counselor at that time I would mention that I was not ready to stop smoking pot. She walked patiently with me and I think that there may have been that question within her mind if I would make it out of the situation I was in successfully. I truly was in a space that was very precarious and walking a fine line.

Many within my circle at the high point (no pun intended) of my use with this substance were constantly telling me that pot was my "medicine" and because I did not want to face my reality, I used this as my excuse for using it as I was. I would not admit that I had a problem as there was no way that I was addicted. I wasn't an addict. 

Even with my growing addiction, my business was growing and I eventually became able to purchase my own home. Overall I was beginning to thrive, or at least it felt that way...but as I was living alone for the first time in my life, the aloneness was a situation that seemed to intensify my pain. My use became such that I started to smoke first thing when I woke and I remained high throughout the day. 

What I had created for myself was now at risk of being sabotaged as I was stoned Every. Single. Day. My mind was becoming more and more fuzzy and I had lost motivation to do anything worthwhile.

I began to slowly realize that I had a problem but still would not say that I was an addict. I thought I could stop. Several times I tried to stop smoking and each time I would only make it a few days and then relapse, further spiraling into the grasp that this substance held over me. I would become discouraged but still would not own up to the reality that I had formed an addiction. I now know that relapse is a normal process of recovery, as is denial about one's addiction.

As hard as I tried, I could not break free from using this substance. I didn't want to say the words that I needed to say and I was embarrassed. 

But with each attempt to stop smoking on my own and then relapsing, I began to see my reality for what it was and it was here that I became brave enough to speak the truth.

I spoke the words, first to my counselor and then to two trusted friends, "I need help. I am addicted to pot."

I was terrified because my life had become unmanageable and I finally came to see the truth: I indeed was an addict.

Those initial first days and months of getting sober were not easy. I had withdrawals. The urges were almost unbearable. I was angry. I was sad. I was intensely moody. There were times when I almost caved to the urge...But I did not do it. 

One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, but I kept my word to stay clean.

As I look back over this year, I am amazed that I have made it through without using pot. It has not been an easy year for me. I have had several gut punching experiences where all I wanted to do was retreat into the space that getting high provided. Miraculously I held the line and did not give in to my urges. I had built a support system that I could turn to when the tantalizing thinking of, "Just once. I will only do it just this once." tried to lure me in. I knew that if I took that "one more puff" I would be right back at square zero and I did not want to go back to that space again. I am so very, very grateful for those who have walked beside me over this year of healing. For anyone getting clean the withdrawal process takes loving, caring, supportive people who understand that demons are being faced by the addict. Even when I retreated into spaces that were difficult to understand, they did not leave me.

With gratitude I can say that the urge to smoke has not been what it once was. Do I still get an urge? Occasionally but they have significantly diminished as the pull smoking once held over me is not what it once was. My commitment to myself far outweighs what smoking would provide. 

Getting clean has brought me gifts that have surprised me. I have so much freedom to pursue my dreams. I have found that I much prefer having a mind that is clear and does not have the hazy hangover feeling that pot once created. I enjoy that I am feeling my feelings and working to process all that I am experiencing. I have found that the color of life is actually much more vibrant sober versus high. My eyes are clearer than they have ever been and my intuition has significantly improved. I am learning to manage my life in a way that is balanced and brings me joy. I have developed better coping skills that support health and wellness.

Where once I felt a great deal of shame over my addiction, feeling afraid to even share this with the world; now, I see it for what it is:  a gift. Becoming clean is a signal to myself of the deep healing I have done as I now do not need to lean on a substance to numb my pain. The gift of recovery has been in coming to be able to feel my feelings and to be okay as I do, to learn healthy coping skills that empower instead of weaken me as a human being. 

A new life, a fresh start began 365 days ago. 

Reborn. 

Delivered.

My own miracle. 

And for this miracle to start again, I am so grateful.