A Key to Developing Healthy Relationships with Others

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about the importance of human connection. Let’s start off by recognizing that human connection is vital. I believe that most are aware of this fact; and yet, there are still many who deal with a lot of loneliness and isolation, not knowing how to break through the barriers that would bring connection. We often don’t address and discuss with each other the reality we may be facing, that of feeling a bit on the outside of the circle - even lonely. It is not something that is easy to talk about when you are feeling isolated as safety and vulnerability are nearly nonexistent. 

Given the effects of my abuse, I am one who has suffered from debilitating social anxiety and often struggled to function well in group settings. While I am one who naturally loves people, I struggled for a good portion of my life to get close to others, mostly because of the deep wounds that needed healing. I was lonely for much of my life.

With gratitude, I have done a lot of healing in this area of my life and I want to share with you a bit of my journey that has significantly helped me in hopes that it may help any who suffer as I once did.

What I did not understand early in my healing journey was that before I could have healthy relationships outside of me, I had to develop a healthy relationship within me.

One of the keys to my success in overcoming the anxiety and loneliness I suffered came by learning how to love me first. It is interesting for me to think about the concept of loving myself first; for I was not taught this well when I was within Mormonism. In fact, the messaging often focused on what was wrong with me, constantly enforcing the idea that I was broken, unworthy, and not worth loving. While a Mormon, I developed a deep sense of self-loathing for who I was and suffered from depression. 

The irony of being raised in such a religious environment is that the Master Teacher and Healer, Jesus, actually emphasized the importance of loving ourselves first in order to be able to love others; but, this teaching was lost as the focus in Mormonism was always placed on the “loving your neighbor” part. (See in the Bible Matthew 22:39) With my Mormon trained brain, to love me first would equate to being selfish. This messaging caused me significant harm.

The reality is that until I was taught how to love myself first, I could not really love others in a healthy way. Due to the dysfunction in my upbringing combined with Mormon messaging, I had to unlearn what I had grown to believe about myself - that I was a vile and sinful person. 

Me at the age of 5 on my first day of Kindergarten.

Before I began working with my counselor, I had heard a little bit about inner child work but I could not understand what it really meant. What did inner child work really look like? One of the most important lessons I was taught in my healing journey was connecting to this part of me and understanding how the wounds of my childhood impacted the little girl inside. It is obvious to me now as I look back at my life, but before I began to heal, I did not understand that so much of my dysfunctional behavior as an adult was linked to the unresolved issues of my childhood. In reality, my inner child lived most of her life scared and the adult in me did not understand that such was the case - I had developed an overactive fight or flight response at a young age and it continued to rage into my adult years.

Once I began to truthfully share and remember what had happened to me, I was able to work through the abuse, the neglect, and the pain of my childhood - and instead of seeing myself as that once labeled “vile, sinful person” - I was able to view my behaviors as symptomatic to my abuse. What liberation this knowledge brought into my life! I was taught how to truly love and take care of the little girl inside of me; and as I did this, I began to see noticeable changes both inside and outside of me. 

Taking care of and gaining the inner child's trust helped me stop living in fight or flight mode and I discovered that I was worth loving. Through this process I began to learn what a healthy relationship is and was able to practice new thought patterns and skills. 

In learning how to be healthy I was taught to remember, connect with, and most importantly, love my inner child - I became my own parent, doing for myself what should have been done by the ones who gave me life. I learned to speak kindly and with love to my inner child.

The miracle I have experienced in doing the work to heal my inner child is that I have found complete, inner peace - something that I was consistently striving to obtain while a believer. Not once while in Mormonism did I experience this type of healing or peace; for, religion actually made my situation worse. Here again there is so much irony given that while I was a Mormon there was so much fearmongering surrounding the concept of leaving the church, as if the Church was the only place to find healing or peace. This is one of the greatest lies within Mormonism and organized religion. 

The most important lesson that I have learned is that all relationships start with MYSELF. I now come first - always. The miracle in learning to become my own best friend is that I am now able to create authentic, real friendship with others; and, I am able to show up for others in a way that aligns with where I am at personally, which is a space of health, respect, and love. I am learning and I am improving everyday. 

My dear friends, if you are in the space of feeling isolated or lonely, I hope that my own journey in healing can help provide ideas that may benefit you. I know the journey may feel daunting and scary but I promise that taking steps towards healing the inner child in YOU will put you on a journey that will change the trajectory of your life. You CAN heal. 

In the bible Jesus taught, “...receive the kingdom of God like a child ….” Luke 18:17. 

The child in each of us deserves to come first; for when this happens, we gain a closer connection to God and we HEAL.

It is one of the most important steps each of us can take. I speak from a place of knowing. Learning how to do this has completely transformed my life. 

With so much gratitude, love, and support ~

The Modern Day Pioneer™