Becoming a Modern-Day Pioneer — Walking Away to Find Myself

What happens when the ground beneath you gives way? When the truth you were raised with begins to crack? This post marks the turning point — when I started asking questions that were once forbidden. It’s also where the light began to break through. If you've ever experienced a shift so deep it shook your identity, I hope this chapter of my journey will resonate with you and bring hope.

Indeed, a miracle came and the trajectory of my life would forever be changed. I did the unthinkable, the thing that must not be done within Mormonism. I began to question. And by question, I mean I questioned literally EVERYTHING.

Initially I was afraid, even terrified, to tell anyone that I was having questions and doubts about the belief system I was raised in. In spite of my fears, questions were forming that were in contradiction to the teachings I had been taught all my life. These questions and doubts soon placed me on a journey of intense research, spending hours researching the history of Mormonism that was written outside of the "approved Mormon library".

I experienced such an unravelling of so many of my long held beliefs that my entire paradigm began to shift. I experienced a great loss of identity; what I had always known no longer had legs to stand on. I walked through so many levels of cognitive dissonance and fought my way through what can only be described as a dark night of the soul. To be candid and real, I barely survived this time of my life.

In time I came to see that much of what I had been taught within the Mormon church was a lie. It was not easy. I felt that I was literally walking in the dark. Everyone that I knew thought I was crazy, because everyone I associated with was Mormon. My own family was a mess over the fact that I was challenging the faith I had raised them in. and we are still grappling with the fact that I did walk away

The last picture of my family before my divorce.

It took me several years to gain the courage to really leave Mormonism, and eventually my marriage, but once I left, I was gone. Forever. Never to return to that system of ideology and control. Little did I know then that by leaving the systems that were controlling me I would eventually be led to my healing.

Little did I know when I was Mormon that the abuse I had suffered as a child had caused me to act out– as a child, teenager, and adult. Little did I know that much of the shame I had carried all my life actually belonged to my abuser, my father. Little did I know then…

…but I know more now, and because I know what I know, I am dedicated to writing and sharing with you what I have learned through my journey in leaving a high demand, patriarchal religion and healing from the serious trauma caused in my childhood.

If I can give you a glimpse into what was, and bring you on my journey to what has now become, it will spark within you the hope that no matter what you have been through, no matter how dark things have been, there is a light. I will repeat, no matter how dim or dark it may feel, there is a light and you can find your way to your own healing. It is not easy, but it is possible.

The person I am today has changed and healed a great deal from who I was in the past. I have great compassion for the person I used to be. She did the very best she could given her understanding. I am so grateful for the strength in who I was then to even begin to ask questions. My own experiences give me the strength and determination to share my journey with you in hopes that it may help you.

We are not meant to walk alone, yet for much of my life I have felt alone. Alone in my fear. Alone in my shame. Alone in my abuse. Alone. Can you relate?

19-Year old me on my wedding day. How much has changed since then.

Just as my ancestors were Mormon Pioneers and were key players in blazing trails across the midwest section of the United States, I am a pioneer in my own right. While I am not literally blazing trails across a barren land, I am figuratively blazing my own new trail, walking away from systems that continue to control many that I love. This trail is focused on healing trauma, helping restore the worth of the soul, and finding the joy within that is incomprehensible.

My message is focused on destroying the illusion that fear holds over our lives, dispelling the lies that create shame, and exposing the truth around abuse and control. If you are one who has suffered alone, take heart in knowing that today you have gained a friend to walk beside you.

Friend, are you ready to get started? I know that I am! Lace up your shoes, put on your pack, let’s start the “walk of healing” together. It is possible.

So here we are — standing on new ground, blazing new trails, together. I don't have all the answers, but I do have my truth. And that truth has led me to healing, freedom, and a fierce compassion for the person I used to be. My journey continues, and I hope you’ll keep walking with me. This is not the end — it’s the beginning of something sacred. Lace up your shoes, friend. The walk of healing has begun.

~The Modern Day Pioneer™