Breaking the Silence — The Hidden Trauma Behind My Mormon Story of Abuse

moddaypioneer
Aug 26
3 min read

In this post, I open the door slightly to some of the most difficult chapters of my life — the hidden burdens, the betrayal, the physical toll of unspoken trauma, and the ways I was silenced. These aren’t easy things to revisit, but they are real. And in telling the truth, we begin to take back our power. If you’ve ever felt voiceless, unseen, or sick from secrets you’ve carried too long, this part of my story is for you.

Grieving woman starting to break the silence of her hidden abuse. — Dated 12/18/2018. I am in the process of coming to terms with losing my belief in Mormonism. I am still married here.

I held a very dark family secret that impacted my life on so many levels; this secret was not fully released until the fall of 2023 when I finally broke my silence.

You see, for much of my life I lived believing that the sexual abuse I suffered by my father was not a big deal, because any who knew of it treated it as such. I was taught at a very young age that sex = loved. Later in life I discovered that both my mother and the Mormon church were hiding and protecting my abuser. To say that I have walked through the fires of hell is an understatement! I have lived as one who was controlled and manipulated, both by men and a system that wanted to keep me silent and suppressed.

Women in my culture were taught to be submissive and obedient to men, and for most of my life I did as I was told. Eyes down, soft voice, knees on the floor type of submission. In those rare instances when I did use my voice to speak up against things I saw as being wrong, I was often punished, both publicly and privately, or not taken seriously at all. I figuratively had men holding me at my throat, silencing my voice.

As much as I do not want to dwell on the negative impact of what took place in my life, the reality is, trauma causes harm; and it is something we need to be aware of as it does impact our health on so many levels. I have experienced betrayal on such levels that I have been brought to my knees, landing in the fetal position. I have been delivered to the brink of insanity.

Given what I have been through, it is no surprise now knowing what I know; for, I developed a serious autoimmune condition that often would flare in my throat, making it impossible to speak or eat for days, even weeks during the worst of it. I have also had to face several issues dealing with my sexual organs. I now know that my abuse and the inability to freely speak my truth caused these sicknesses to form. It is no surprise that they have impacted my mouth and my vagina.

As is taught in the book, The Body Keeps the Score,

“[Trauma]...leave[s] traces on our minds and emotions, on our capacity for joy and intimacy, and even on our biology and immune systems. (Van der Kolk pg. 1)”

I truly believe that because of the trauma from my past, and the inability to receive the help that I needed early on, my body responded with sickness, both emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. The body truly does keep the score and speaks often through our illnesses.

A Modern Day Pioneer breaking the silence about her physical battele with precancerous cervical cells. — Dated 7/15/2024. Before surgery to remove the precancerous cells on my cervix

More of this will be discussed in the future as I have much to share on this subject and the processes I have gone through to heal my body, mind, and spirit but for now I will bring attention to the reality of my past and its effect on me physically.

This brief mention of the pain I’ve shared here shaped so much of who I was — silent, submissive, and sick. But it didn’t get the final say. Breaking the silence was my first step to real healing.

Recognizing the connection between my trauma and my body was one of the first major breakthroughs on my healing path. I have more to share, more to uncover, but for now, I want to thank you for sitting with the weight of this truth.