Learning to Let Go

Today I want to share with you something about my life that I am coming to terms with in hopes that if you can relate, there is something here that can help you. I am very much in the space of learning how to let go of people and things that have meant so much to me. Most of my life I believed in the “eternal family” concept, meaning that the family I was born into, and the family I created, would be a part of me forever, so long as we followed the Mormon rules. I no longer hold this belief and find myself realizing that especially when it comes to being a mother, I was a conduit to bring souls here. Where once I believed that my children “belonged to me”, I now realize that such is not the case; for as adults we choose whether we want to be in each other's lives. I do not own my children nor do they own me.

Me at the age of 29 with my five children.

As a young girl, I had such visions of my future family. Prior to becoming a mother, I often would dream about the family I would create, envisioning one that looked very different from the one I was born into. In my dreams, I envisioned myself being a good, intentional mom, loving my children unconditionally. Because of my own longing for my mother, I believed that to be a really good mother meant to place my children above everything in my world - and when they were being raised, such was the case, my entire identity being fully wrapped up in being “mother”. Looking back on the years when my kids were young, I am grateful for that time in my life. While I know that I made mistakes, I also know that I was a damn good mother. 

After I left Mormonism, my family faced serious challenges, for I was the only one to initially walk away. How we navigated through those years makes me shudder, for I know that there was a lot of harm caused, both by my own actions, as well as the messaging being spoken to my family about me by the system I had left. Mormonism has very crafty, subtle messages that often pits the believing members against anyone who questions and/or leaves. For those within the system, it is difficult to see that this is occurring and often a defensive stance is taken for they are very suspicious of any who leave the Mormon church. Such was and is the case within my own family.

Little did I know when I was leaving Mormonism and divorcing, that my choosing to walk away from religion and my marriage would create such division between me and my kids. It is not just these aspects that have created challenges, for I have changed, becoming more authentic and vocal, and this has not been easy for my kids as they were taught both by myself and their father that I should be submissive and silent. The reality of the situation is that if I had chosen to stay within the system of Mormonism - and stay married - I truly believe that the challenges now being faced within my family would not be present; but, what would that have meant for me? Truly, it would have meant continued bondage, increased physical sickness, and perhaps a life that was shortened because of the internal hell I was living in. 

I have had to ask myself many times while recovering, “Was it selfish that I chose me over religion, me over my marriage, and now me over my family?” So often we, as women, are fed this idea that we are selfish for taking care of ourselves, that it is good and right to sacrifice everything, even ourselves, for our family. This is a lie I believe stems from patriarchy and the control the system wants over women! For much of my life I did not take care of me and it cost me dearly. With humility I share with you that I am grateful to finally be in the space of choosing to take care of me, that I am one that deserves to be taken care of - as are you.

So how have I been able to accept the state of my family, especially when I wanted so much to stay close to my kids? The reality is, I have had to learn how to let them go. Where once I was very much about control, I have learned that the only one I have control over is myself. Where once I placed my entire identity on being a mother, I now understand that I am more than that - and surprisingly, I have found how to be happy, even without all of them being in my life.

I was one who once thought that being in the space of being judged by my kids was something beyond me, that somehow I was above this because of everything I had done for them as a mother; but the reality is, who am I not to have children who are struggling with me? I am not above this type of challenge; though, for a time I threw a temper tantrum feeling that I did not deserve to experience this. Through my journey, I have learned how to give them the space to be where they are at in their feelings toward me. I no longer pressure them to let me be in their lives. I have learned how to accept my life for what it is, not what I wanted it to be - and I have been surprised by the freedom this has given me internally. Controlling behavior did not serve me or them well. 

Am I diminishing the fact that I am a mother to 5 humans and that I would love to have strong, loving relationships with each of them? Absolutely not; however, I have learned that my world no longer needs to revolve around them in order to be happy.  As a woman who is in the space of recovery, the greatest lesson I have learned is that I can be happy with or without the acceptance of my family. I hold compassion for myself and for my children, for I realize that we are each doing the very best we can given our understanding and circumstances. 

Given my reality of such division within my family, do I consider my decision in choosing to leave and expose the secrets of my past worth it? Would I advise it for any out there who are in a situation that is similar to mine? Without any hesitation, I do not regret the decision I have made to take back my life, even at the expense of my standing in my family. For me, I have found a peace within myself that I did not have before and being able to live a life that is authentic and honest, frankly, it has been worth the price I have had to pay. 

The process of learning to surrender is not always easy but from a space of personal experience, I witness to you that it is worth it - and while there will still be moments where potentially we feel sadness and pain, to regain our own sovereignty, peace of mind, and health - well, that is worth any price we may have to pay. 

To my children, with all the love inside of me, I thank you for so many lessons that I personally have needed to learn that you have given to me. You have helped me become a better version of myself. 

If you are one who is in the middle of reclaiming your own life and you need a mentor to help you walk through the process of learning how to love yourself, please do not hesitate to reach out. Personally I have benefited by having a mentor walk next to me through my own journey towards loving me. We are not meant to walk alone, especially as women!

I approve of myself at all times - I am good enough just as I am - and so are YOU!

With much love and support,

The Modern Day Pioneer™