The Truth Shall Set You Free

One of the main reasons why I have chosen to be so truthful about my past is because for nearly all of my life I truly believed that what I had lived through was normal, even though I was internally suffering from severe self-loathing and depression. As one who lived nearly all of my life “on my knees, face to the floor” in submission to the men in my family and the Mormon church - fully believing that they had my best interest at heart - as a woman, and a strong woman at that, I am now standing up, raising my voice to help bring awareness and support to any who can relate to what I share. As a survivor turned thriver, I want to share a few thoughts for any woman who may be contemplating her escape from a system like Mormonism and/or her marriage.

For a church that places so much emphasis on the importance of being honest - a key question to enter the Mormon temple being, “Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowman?” - I was saddened to discover the hypocrisy found within the leadership of the church as I began to ask serious questions about the truth claims within Mormonism. While I understood that the men leading the church are mortal - this is always the defensive excuse given by members for mistakes made by the leaders who are worshipped by their followers as if they are gods - there has never been any sincere ownership or apology for any mistakes or harm perpetuated through them. They hide behind a cloak of self-righteous “I am called of God” rhetoric, consistently dismissing any who bring attention to the fact that the church is not what it pretends to be. The men within my own family who have caused so much harm follow this same pattern that has been emulated within the church - dismissing, lying about, and treating abuse as if it is a small thing, often pointing at the woman for being the problem. 

A popular lie taught by Mormon church leaders is that if you leave the church you will be unhappy and miserable. For example, a top Mormon leader gave a message during the 2016 General Conference and stated the following:

Some disciples struggle to understand a specific Church policy or teaching. Others find concerns in our history or in the imperfections of some members and leaders, past and present. Still others find it difficult to live a religion that requires so much. Finally, some have become “weary in well-doing.” For these and other reasons, some Church members vacillate in their faith, wondering if perhaps they should follow those who “went back, and walked no more” with Jesus. If any one of you is faltering in your faith, I ask you the same question that Peter asked: “To whom shall [you] go?” If you choose to become inactive or to leave the restored Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, where will you go? What will you do? The decision to “walk no more” with Church members and the Lord’s chosen leaders will have a long-term impact that cannot always be seen right now.

I can vividly remember hearing this message as it was being delivered, and at that time in my life I was not yet at the point of questioning. As is so common among those who believe, I took the words being spoken as truth - where would someone go if they left? The idea at that time, thinking about anyone “crazy” enough to walk away, made me shudder for I truly believed that the church was the only place of safety on earth. I could not see the message for what it was - manipulating, fearmongering, and pitting believers against any who would choose to walk a different path. 

The more that I have peeled back the layers of my life, the more aware I have become surrounding the reality of abuse within the systems I was raised in, both my family and my church. I am one who has been abused by many people, mostly men - my father, my ex-husband, an ex-boyfriend, and many male leaders within the Mormon church - just to name a few, and so often gaslighting was occurring by those who were leading me, causing me to believe that as a woman I deserved what was happening to me.

Prior to leaving the church, I also felt completely stuck in my marriage. While there were many times I thought about divorce, I had made a promise in the Mormon temple to stay, and within my believing mind I could not see the potential option of being able to leave as viable. The cost of “breaking my covenants” was not worth the risk of losing my ability to live with the Mormon God someday. I was constantly being fed this idea that my now ex-husband could see what I could not see, especially when it came to why I was challenged so much internally. So often he would point to this idea that he could, figuratively speaking, "see a nail in my forehead” and that if I would only just listen to his advice, he would help me remove this “nail”. Because I was living under an oath to submit to my husband, I could not distinguish when my ex was stepping into the space of unrighteous dominion, abusing me mentally and emotionally because of the power and control he held over me. 

One of the releases I received after leaving the church was the freedom to leave my toxic marriage. Just as I was initially terrified to step into the space of questioning Mormonism, I was terrified to step into the space of divorce, for even my ex questioned me with the “where will you go” rhetoric as I had been a stay at home mom for our 26 year marriage and had no real income of my own.  

The message delivered by the Mormon leader, and my ex, insinuated the idea that to leave Mormonism and marriage would mean that my life was going to come to a standstill and I was going to ultimately suffer and fail. I will not sugarcoat the reality that the initial hurdles I had to clear, especially as I was doing so alone without any financial support from my ex, were painful; however, in time - and with the work I did in healing - I discovered a sense of peace, power, and happiness, beyond anything I had experienced up to this point in my life. I also found that because I am indeed a smart, strong, and hardworking woman, I could successfully find a way to provide for my needs, which was one of my greatest fears prior to divorcing. 

While I believed that much of my life’s experience was somewhat of an anomaly, I have found that there are many out there like me - women who have lived under the umbrella of abuse but in miraculous ways found a way to the truth and their freedom. One of the fascinating discoveries I have made in the many conversations with my fellow, now exmormon, sisters is that every single one of them has stated what I am stating here - life has become so much better for each the further away they have gotten from the confines and abuse within the church - and for some, their marriages, too. 

Dear sisters, there is a reason why the church works through methods of fear to keep members in line, especially women; but, the irony now is that the male dominated church is looking directly into the eyes of many women who are awake - and we are no longer afraid of them for we now see the truth! Jesus himself teaches us that “the truth shall set [us] free” (John 8:32). The truth withheld from women in Mormonism is that women are the healers, the creators, and we hold a power that men no longer can suppress or keep bound. As we step into and embrace this reality, our lives become all they are meant to be - full of joy - just as God intended them to be, not one of slavery.  

If you find yourself in the space of questioning your beliefs but are wrestling against the fear that the church has intentionally placed within about “where will you go?” - I say to you dear sister, DO NOT FEAR and start packing your bags for a journey, one that will change the trajectory of your life - in a truly good and happy way - and one you will look back on with awe, gratitude, and amazement! It won’t take long until you get far enough beyond the confines of the church, and maybe your marriage, and you look back and think, “I once believed that I could not leave, that I had no real power?? How utterly crazy is that! Oh dear God, thank you for helping me to set myself free!” You are standing on the brink of something that is very exciting, for you are on the edge of truly discovering what they have always been afraid of - the feminine power inside YOU. Be brave, take that first step. 

As awakened women, we are boldly reclaiming what the men of patriarchy stole from us - our divine power. As sisters leaving any high demand religion, let us all work together; laboring to build one another up, truly comforting the weary and strengthening the weak. We are sisters, united in spirit - and we are doing all we can to liberate those who are still held bound. As women let us be as the angels, on an errand to rescue and give relief.*

My greatest hope, and what I am focused on in my work, is helping any stepping into the space towards freedom to do so with a friend. The journey ahead is one where we do not need to walk alone. Within the true circle of sisterhood, we walk side by side, arms linked together, standing with our heads held high. We do not fear. We trust. We see and we know to our core that as women we each hold power and worth. We stand strong and we do not shrink any longer. 

With so much love and support,

The Modern Day Pioneer™

*These last words have been adapted from a popular Mormon hymn, “As Sisters in Zion”.