From Darkness to Healing — My Journey Beyond Faith and Fear

Welcome, friend. If you're here, chances are you've wrestled with deep questions about your worth, your place in the world, and the pain that sometimes feels all-consuming.These are questions I know intimately. In this post, I want to begin by sharing a raw glimpse into my life — the heaviness I carried, the beliefs that shaped me, and the early steps toward healing. This is the start of my story, and perhaps, the beginning of yours too.

My life has not been an easy journey; I would expect that for many, such would be the case. There have been so many times in my life when I have questioned why life was so hard for me. Is this something that you can relate to?

Given the experiences in my life, I am excited to share so much of my journey with you; excited because I have been in a space of despair but have found my way to healing. I am one who has lived the majority of my life with a great sense of self-loathing, shame, and almost no sense of esteem in who I was or am.

An excerpt from a journal entry I wrote in 2013 demonstrates this well:

“It has been a pretty terrible day. I woke up grumpy and am facing my bed with the same attitude! I feel such a feeling of discontent. I feel of no value. I long to be wanted in the church. I long to be content. I feel a great deal of guilt over my life. I feel that I am completely disappointing to my family but mostly to my Heavenly Father (ie God). I feel sorry for [my ex-husband] - that he is married to me. I have ruined his life. I hate my life today.”

That’s heavy and hard for me to read now, but it was my state of being… most of the time. Talk about being real. Many of my past journal entries before leaving Mormonism share this type of sentiment.

On my wedding day, aged 19.

A little history about me… I was raised in a very abusive and dysfunctional family that practiced Mormonism. In previous posts I have shared how my ancestors were some of the first to join the Mormon movement. I was steeped in this belief system and my entire identity centered around being a perfect Mormon.

I followed the Mormon path for women. At the age of 19, I married in the temple; by the age of 29, I was a mother to five children.

I was extreme in my practice, following everything I was told to do by the leaders of the church. One example of this was when I was 21 and the Mormon prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, advised the women to wear only pair of earrings in our ears. As I listened to him give this counsel, I immediately removed my second set of ear piercings to “follow the prophet”.

My now ex-husband held prominent positions within the Mormon church throughout our 26 year marriage, at one time holding the highest position of authority within a local area. I was one who would once have been described as a loyal, faithful, true believer and defender of Mormonism. I had grown accustomed to drinking the “Kool-aid” and offering it to everyone I encountered.

Shortly after the birth of my 5th child. I am 29 years old here.

If you had asked me even ten years ago if I would be where I am today-- divorced, estranged from two of my adult children, and now an ex-Mormon writing and speaking about my experiences – I would have NEVER believed you. Those who knew me would not have believed it either. No way!

My foundation was built in a system that defined my identity and dictated my every move. For so long, I didn’t question it — until I had no choice but to face the truth of my own suffering and abuse.

This post is just the beginning. There is so much more to unpack, but my hope is that as I share honestly, you'll find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. I won’t lie, the road is hard, but the first step is simply daring to acknowledge what is real. With each step we take towards healing and freeing ourselves from the systems that hold us bound, we gain strength, courage, and the power to change our lives for the better.

With one step in front of the other, let’s keep walking — together.

Until next time...

-The Modern Day Pioneer™