Journeying Towards Sobriety

For any who suffer from significant trauma or abuse, the sad reality is that often the abused become addicted to substance(s) as a way to cope and numb feelings that linger and do not want to be felt. This is something that I have had to come to terms with in my own life and today marks my six months of sobriety from cannabis. 

I believe that I could be identified as the poster child of abuse, numbing my pain by using a substance to ignore it. Much of my acting out came as a result of being sexually abused as a child. I became sexually active at a very young age and was constantly trying to find my worth both by using and being used by boys. I also consumed large amounts of alcohol as a teenager and loved to eat food that was overly processed, leaning both on sugary and salty items. I struggled with my weight and for a time dabbled in the realm of bulimia and anorexic behaviors. When I left my parents home at the age of 18 these habits intensified and I added another vice - I started to smoke pot regularly. 

Being raised Mormon, much of what I was doing was considered sinful and I spent many hours meeting with bishops - male leaders of congregations - confessing my addictions, trying to get right with God. Many of these male leaders tried to help me but none of them ever asked me if I had been abused as a child; so instead of seeing my actions as symptomatic I was treated as being a very sinful person, often facing religious punishment. Given my state of understanding, I adopted the belief that I was “bad” and suffered in all areas of my life - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. 

Me at the age of 18, in the thick of abusing myself with sex, drugs, and alcohol.

Shortly after turning 19, I became overly religious due to a bishop scaring me by stating that he feared I would be forever spiritually lost if I did not fully live as a Mormon “should” and turn my life around. Because of the counsel I was receiving at this time, I became extreme in my practice of Mormonism, trying to make up for my “sinful” past behavior. I will publicly state that given the state I was in at that time - drinking a bottle of vodka and smoking pot daily - I am grateful for the fact that the fear this bishop created within me did bring me to the point of giving up these substances at that time. I can look back and recognize that I was on a very destructive path; and potentially I could have ended up homeless or dead, as it is the reality for so many who have been abused and then become addicted to substances. 

As an adult, becoming extreme in my practice of Mormonism, in addition to living what is known as the “Word of Wisdom,” a health code that Mormons live by, I gave up caffeinated soda to appease my now ex husband.  The Mormon health code prohibits coffee, tea, alcohol, or recreational drugs; and if a believer uses any of these substances, they are not allowed to enter the Mormon temple. 

Given my state of being in that I had not dealt with my unhealed trauma, and not having alcohol or pot to numb my pain, my relationship with food significantly changed after I became extreme in my religious practice. Sugar became my new preferred drug of choice, and sadly such is the case for many hardcore, practicing Mormons who are suffering. I was overweight for most of my adult life due to the addiction I had to sugar

and food.

After deconstructing my Mormon belief, sugar began to lose its appeal and I found myself wanting to re-explore the world of “prohibited substances” as my adult side felt I deserved to be able to make choices. To be honest, I was excited to dabble in what had been “forbidden” especially as I no longer viewed these substances as being sinful. My initial explorations were pretty innocent and fun.

I then started to date a man who is both an alcoholic and one who is addicted to pot. During this relationship I also started to work with my counselor and as I began to unpack more and more of my trauma, the pain that began to surface was almost more than I could bear. So often I did not want to feel the pain and I found myself turning more and more to pot, to numb my feelings  The relationship I was in was very toxic and this only fueled my increased reliance on this substance. While I did drink a significant amount of alcohol during this time, thankfully alcohol did not ever become a vice that had to be overcome in my adult years.

With much gratitude, I found my way out of that relationship but not without having formed a serious addiction to pot. I was in denial that I had a problem, rationalizing my use as being medicinal. As much as I did not want to face it, the painful reality was I had developed an addiction that was impacting my healing and my ability to function well. In time I would come to see the realization that I was an addict; and given this awareness, I tried multiple times to stop but relapsed. Each time that I had a relapse I was honest with my counselor and I was never made to feel any sense of shame but continued to be encouraged. Shame was something that I was all too familiar with given the religious shaming that had been such a part of my life and I believe that my success over these last six months has come due to the compassionate view I have had to learn regarding my life. I am a practicing human, learning and growing.

As I was approaching my 50th birthday this year, I was giving serious thought as to what I wanted my life to look like in the future. I did not want to take this addiction with me into my next decade of life, I wanted to be free. Four days before I turned 50, on March 30th, I made the commitment to become sober from pot. As I had done so many times before, I began the process of detoxing; however this time around, whenever the inclination to smoke came upon me, I would lean on my support system as well as focus within my mind as to why I wanted to be sober. My “why” was stronger than any urge I felt, a critical piece for sobriety. I won’t lie or sugar coat the reality that becoming free from this addiction has not been easy - especially as I have had to navigate through some very intense situations within my family over the last few months - but I have remained true to myself in my commitment to sobriety. The gift in becoming sober is that my mind is clearer, my body is healthier, and my spirit connection is stronger than it has ever been. 

So often the person who is suffering from addiction is embarrassed to come clean with the fact that they are suffering and need help. Given this aspect of addiction, I publicly share the good news of my 6 months of sobriety. I am a recovering addict and this is the first time in my 50 years of life that I have not been addicted to either a behavior or substance to numb my pain. 

For any who are suffering from addiction - 

My Dear Friend,

Me today, 6 months free from abusing myself with substances.

I want you to know that I completely, 100% understand the challenges in getting sober. It is not an easy process, especially when there are so many enticements to stay in our addictions, not to mention the issues we are numbing will need to be faced and all the feelings will need to be felt - and that is not an easy thing to do. 

As one who understands the challenges to become sober, with all the love in my heart I say dear friend, that it is worth the cost to both get the help you need and do the work to become sober. One of the greatest gifts that I have given to myself this year is keeping my word to ME and learning that I can trust myself. Becoming sober is a process and the process requires a plan, a support system, and a solid reason “why” you want to become sober. 

Take it from one who has walked the difficult journey - Healing is possible.

Do not give up.

You are not alone.

You are worth it.

We take our sobriety one day at a time.

Much love,

The Modern Day Pioneer TM