Polygamy, Control, and Generational Trauma

As the Mormon holiday Pioneer Day has recently passed, I find myself reflecting on the legacy of the women who came before me—and the spiritual burdens passed down through generations. Today, I want to share a deeply personal truth about polygamy, patriarchal control, and the internal fear that haunted me for much of my life.

I cannot even begin to fathom what my great grandmother must have felt given that she had barely survived pulling a handcart across the plains to Utah; and then, very shortly after arriving in Utah was placed in a polygamous marriage that she believed God wanted for her. In those days many women were coerced into polygamy by the male leaders who told the women that their eternal soul was at stake if they did not participate. Talk about a total spiritual-mind fuck!

Even though polygamy is not physically practiced in the Mormon church today, for much of my life I struggled with the concept of polygamy, fearful that at some point I would be required to practice it, as it is still very much a strong spiritual belief within Mormonism. While I was in my Mormon marriage, there were many times when I would have what can only be described as verbal wrestling conversations with my now ex-husband; for no matter how hard I tried, I could not come to understand or even support the concept of polygamy, be it physical or spiritual The belief, and spiritual practice of it within Mormonism, was actually one of the first things that brought me to the brave reality of questioning my faith. To the point that the spiritual practice is alive and well within Mormonism, even after leaving and no longer being a member of the church, I was asked to write a letter to the First Presidency of the Mormon church -the highest leadership in the church, seen as prophets- for my now ex-husband to be married to his new wife in the Mormon temple. In the letter request sent to me from the church, it clearly states the belief in polygamy after we die as it lets me know that I am still considered one of his spiritual wives and that if I desire to be married to another man I will need to go through the process of spiritually divorcing my ex (Guaranteed more on this topic will come in future posts.)

The harmful, patriarchal control that was exhibited during the early stages of Mormonism still exists today, and may even be worse. While women who are members would defend the Church, stating that they are free, that women have true value and are equal, this is not the case. Women are controlled, manipulated, and they are silenced. They are taught to be submissive to their husbands and to all male authority, fearful to ever truly speak out, especially if it is contrary to belief. I know because I was there.

As one who has chosen to pivot from the original path that I had been taught to walk, I am focused on blazing a new trail for me, to lend a hand to any who are brave enough to do the same, and to provide education about the reality of living within the confines of a high demand religion. I am focused on healing the trauma, both personal and generational. I live with so much gratitude to be alive during a time when I have this option. While I have not seen with my eyes the women who have gone before me, I have felt them, encouraging and cheering me on as I break the chains of the past and work to expose the dark secrets within the Mormon church and my family.

My ancestor, Elizabeth, did not recognize that she suffered from serious trauma; nor did she recognize that she was in a system of spiritual manipulation and control, a system designed to keep women silent and oppressed. But I do.

This story is just one layer of many, and while I carry respect for my ancestors’ strength, I also carry the responsibility to question, to speak, and to heal. I am choosing to break cycles that never should have begun. This isn’t just my healing—it’s the healing of those who couldn’t tell their stories. And now, their voices are carried through mine. I will not be silent anymore.

~ The Modern Day Pioneer™